無法忘懷

作者 李淑櫻

從小到大，也不知吃過多少種雞的烹調法；諸如，白切雞、油蔥雞、醉雞、貴妃雞、左宗堂雞、蒜燒雞、燒烤雞、鹽水雞、炸雞、碳燒雞、蔴油雞、滷雞、燻雞、海南雞等等，平時自己也手癢常煮東煮西。然而令人最難忘懷的卻是……………媽媽親手做的那隻雞腿……。
我也曾經問過媽媽，那隻雞腿，看來是一隻非常單純的雞腿，到底是加了什麼調味料？讓我吃了，這一輩子無法忘懷？媽媽總是笑笑說：「不知道噎，我也是像平常一樣的烹煮，大概那個時候你正好肚子餓了或者是因為第一次離家北上那麼遠去上學。」是嗎？是因為離情依依？還是在那個特殊的時段，忽然錯縱複雜的交纏著各樣情懷，讓我深刻的體會了媽媽無微不至的愛心，我相信雞腿不過是一個引介，那種初次離家北上的心情，隨著火車沏沏咖咖聲，離家漸行漸遠，的確是思緒繁複、難以言喻，即或如此，我還是刻意瞪大眼睛看著窗外稍縱即逝的雲煙也不讓淚輕彈。
時序飛越，眼前悠然一陣似煙霧的模糊，朦朧中忽見小女大包小包的要搭機從洛杉磯飛向紐約去上一心響往的醫學院。這個從15歲就立下心志的夢想，緣起於她堂舅的一句話：「哇！好眼力，以後當個眼科醫生吧！」，這是因為她用手摺紙小鳥，不小心落在地毯上，當時我必須帶上眼鏡、用小電筒找了半天才找到。後來，是有一次帶她去做定期眼檢時，看到白內障手術的紀錄片，在等待的半小時，一次又一次的放映，她的眼睛沒有離開過放映的銀幕，之後就不曾再改變她人生的走向。
從小學到高中，與她哥哥同樣幸運的獲選進入磁石班，猶記得在她六年級最後一次家長與老師的會談中，我問是否可以看出她的學習性向？想知道做為家長的可以如何輔助？老師的回答很奇特、篤定，說：「班上其它的孩子我不敢說，但是，Lisa，她不管將來選擇哪一個行業，都會讓人很放心、一定都會有所成就。」真的嗎？我不太確定的將老師的話放在心中就回家了。
雖然從小喜愛芭蕾舞、體操，由於同住在洛杉磯的阿嬤身體不適被迫放棄了，進入高中之後加入現代舞課外活動，讓她非常高興，特別在高中第三年常常有演出的機會，即或是那麼忙，她還是能如期完成作業，當時選修的西班牙語也在紐約實習醫院及加州的眼科工作上大大的發揮了作用。高中畢業後她衡量John Hopkins醫學院只給了一年的獎學金，她體諒家長微薄的收入，選擇進入有四年全額獎學金的UCLA生物系，畢業後順利進入紐約天主教設立的醫學院，中間自己搭機去面試、開學自己拎著大包、小包去宿舍。感謝當時還住在紐澤西的鄭寶鼎兄夫婦曾熱心的接待她。小女也自己去申請到四年醫學院的所需費用，就是學費加上生活費，第二年，為了舒壓還省下一筆錢去買了一台電子琴減緩醫學課程的緊張、壓力。為了圓夢，她沒有後悔過，也沒有抱怨過，只有在畢業後回到加州，才輕描淡寫的說過這麼一句：「喔！回來真好，豔陽、藍天，讓人心情非常愉快！」
曾經問過她，四年的醫學教育中，最讓她印象最深刻的事。她想了一下，說：「是人體解剖課程」，為什麼？她說：「當剖開人體，看到所有呈現眼前的器官，腦中出現的，那應該是上帝的完美設計吧！這麼複雜的互相關聯的器官，如此奇妙的因為精子與卵子的結合，在短時間內竟能成長得這麼完美、這麼完整。太奇妙了，因為這個課，讓我在信仰上更上層樓」。另外，是眼睛的結構，太不可思議了，她最後選擇眼科，是因為眼睛在開刀時沒有大量的流血需要處理，也完成15歲那年所立下的願望。
醫學院四年應該是很忙吧！去參加她的畢業典禮，是在卡內基大廳，典禮中有一個特別節目，以人聲伴奏兼唱和聲，她是其中的一員，回來後，為了感謝教會會友們的禱告支持與鼓勵，特別舉辦了一場鋼琴小演奏會（她習琴六年的鋼琴老師是李斯特第四代嫡傳的大鋼琴家Mr. Segal）及感恩的家庭禮拜，全場她用流利的台語見證了四年中，上帝無微不至的恩待，讓她在學期間都有解剖的機會，也讓她有機會學習用感恩禮拜來感謝家屬。她沒有交待清楚的是在四年中，有一次持續發高燒一個禮拜，差點去天堂報到，室友們必須用鬧鐘定時起來輪流照顧她，卻沒有要求我去照顧，聽了讓人非常心疼、內疚，在一陣唏噓中，她哥哥打破僵局說：「哎！早知道讀醫學院還可以這麼輕鬆的參加合唱團、又有閒暇彈鋼琴，讓我有點後悔沒去申請。」說畢惹得大家破啼一陣哄堂大笑。其實，我深知，她哥哥是無法面對無血色、無呼吸的人、及吸到福馬林的味道的。他是一個非常性情中的人，非常的疼妹妹，記得他還未入幼稚園吧！有一次，小女不知何事固執的惹我懊惱，我正在數著1、2，還未數到3，只見兒子突然衝過來、張開手臂護著妹妹，眼內還有淚水在滾動著、嘴裡更不停的吼著：「媽媽，不要再罵她了、不要再罵她了………」，這個舉動一開始讓我非常驚訝，接著，讓我非常的感動，也非常的放心，如果萬一我有什麼三長兩短，他一定會護衛著妹妹的。
醫學院畢業後，有二年的實習，在實習前有兩個禮拜的休假，我問她是否想去哪裡走走？她毫不加考慮的說，想回台灣去看住在台北的外婆，我問為什麼？她回說：「阿嬤四十年的糖尿病，竟然能只用吃藥就控制住病況，我想回去看看她，其他地方，以後有時間再去吧！」就順她心意帶她回台灣看阿嬤，短短的兩個禮拜，陪著阿嬤，讓阿嬤非常的開心。第一年她在北加州的聖荷西實習，必須要有車，雖然她17歲就擁有駕照，卻從未讓她有開車的機會，懷著忐忑不安，也只能讓她自己用貸款買了人生第一輛車，一路開到聖荷西，我無法跟去，只能將她完全交托給上帝了。在她結束第一年的實習前，她邀我過去看看，那晚，她開車到機場來接我，第二天又開車四處繞繞，帶我到教會，之後又上山去探望朋友的孩子，再送我到機場，讓我放下心中的忐忑。第二年，她回到母校設立的醫院實習、之後接著住院醫師的訓練，也一樣需要開車，讓我驚奇的，竟然也學會了將車停在兩車之間的停法，這是我最無法去逼自己完成的停法。從來都是報喜不報憂，等她回來上班了，才知道，有一次，因為訓練期間接連三天兩夜無法休息睡覺，突然失控狂哭起來，帶領她們的住院醫師說：「回去好好的睡一覺吧！」從此，她就適應了。這是唯一的一次為了無法獲得充份的睡眠休息而哭泣。
人生有夢最美，為了圓夢她這個無殼蝸牛背了一身的學債，為了疼惜媽媽不必再辛苦搬家，勉強自己背了更大的一筆債務，在加州屋價的高峰期買了第一棟房子，為了照自己的理想醫治眼睛病患，開設自己的診所，為了圓媽媽的夢，帶媽媽去大溪地看高更的原住民模特兒，七年前，終於圓了一個更大的夢，上帝派了一個天使，輟合了一個美滿的姻緣，喜歡孩子的她也生了兩個臭屁孫讓我含貽。昨晚在餐桌上，她興高采烈的宣佈：「我終於還清了學債了。」距離醫學院畢業，整整18年。那個小時候每次問她：「你最愛什麼？」總是毫不加思所的回說：「愛睏！愛媠！」的小女孩長大後為母則強。堅定她的信仰、認真的在維護眼患者的健康、也很高興、很熱心的參與台美社團在社區所做的醫療服務。哎！一隻令人難忘的雞腿，竟讓人聯想到這麼多。喔！我似乎聽到那個「屋頂上的提琴手」的男主角正在唱著「日出、日落……」，啊！母女，母女！如果媽媽還在，相信雖有些許莫名的感慨也會與我一樣懷有更多的感恩吧！

 

 

Unforgettable

Nami Yang

Translated by:Philip Lee

There are countless ways to cook chicken and I have tasted many of them. For example, I have had steamed chicken, chicken with onion and oil, drunken chicken, poached chicken, General Tso’s chicken, garlic chicken, BBQ chicken, saltwater chicken, fried chicken, grilled chicken, sesame oil chicken, stewed chicken, smoked chicken, Hainan chicken, etc. I have also done a bit of cooking myself. But the most memorable chicken I have had were the drumsticks that my mother used to cook.

I asked my mother about the secret ingredients she might have added to make the drumsticks taste so good, a taste that I will never forget. She replied with a smile and said,” I don’t know about that. I prepared them with just ordinary ingredients. Perhaps you were very hungry at the time. Or perhaps it was the first time you were leaving home to study in a faraway school up north.” Could she be right? Was it because of my sadness from leaving home? Or was it because of the complex emotions I had during that special period in my life where I experienced the full depth of my mother’s love for me? I think the drumsticks were a trigger that released the emotions that were stored up inside of me because of the experience of leaving home and the other events that were happening in my life. With every clacking and squeaking sound, the train took me further and further away from home. I tried not to shed  tears by forcing myself to watch the scenery outside as it glided backward and quickly disappeared into the rear of the train like a puff of smoke.

The years went by in the blink of an eye. Standing in front of me was my own daughter with her luggage all packed up and ready to leave home. She was headed to New York to attend medical school. She was interested in ophthalmology, a profession that she has aimed to take up ever since age 15. An uncle once commented to her, “What great hand-eye coordination you have. Maybe you should become an eye doctor.” Perhaps the uncle’s prediction came true unintentionally, but the early signs were there. Her uncle was praising her for finding a lost origami bird she had made earlier. It was tiny, and it took me a long time and a great deal of effort looking for it to no avail, with glasses, flashlight and all.  There was another time when I took her to the doctor’s office for a routine eye check-up. We watched a video on cataract surgery in the reception area while we waited for our turn. The video played over and over in a loop during the 30 minutes we were there and not once did she look away from the video. Her career choice seemed to have been sealed right then and there. She has not wavered from it ever since.

My daughter and her brother were both fortunate to have attended magnet programs from elementary school through high school. I can still recall the meeting I had with one of her teachers when she was in the 6^th grade. It was the last meeting of the school year. I asked the teacher whether she had any insight as to the path that best suited her, a direction that would be good for her future development. The teacher was unusually reassuring in her reply. She said: “I can’t say this about any other students in the class. But for Lisa, I am pretty sure she would be successful in any field she chooses. You can be certain of that.”  I took the teacher’s words half-heartedly and went home.

My daughter showed a lot of interest in ballet and gymnastics since she was little but had to give them up because of her grandmother’s illness. Her grandmother was living with us in Los Angeles at the time. Later she became interested in modern dance and was very happy to join her high school dance program. While she performed many times in her senior year, she never had any problem completing all her school work despite being very busy with her dance activities. Her elective classes in Spanish paid off significantly when she worked for a hospital in Spanish Harlem, New York, and in performing her job as an ophthalmologist at PIH Health Medical Group in California. Upon her graduation from high school, she was offered a partial  scholarship from Johns Hopkins University. She decided to turn it down in favor of the four-year full scholarship from UCLA. She made this decision by taking into account the meager income her parents made. Upon her graduation from UCLA, she was accepted into a medical school program in New York, a Catholic institution called New York Medical College. She decided to enroll in that program after an interview with the school. She then packed up and flew to New York with her luggage in tow. She made both trips unassisted and alone. We are grateful to Mr. and Mrs. Boa-Ding Tseng of New Jersey who offered great hospitality to my daughter.  During her study in New York, she was able to apply for a loan that covered her tuition and living expenses. She even saved up enough money to buy a digital piano, something that she used to alleviate stress from her demanding medical school curriculum. She was so determined to pursue her career goals that nothing got in her way. There were never any regrets or complaints about her study in New York. The only comment she made when she completed medical school and returned to California was, “Oh! It feels great to be back under the bright sun and blue skies.”

When I asked my daughter ” What was the most memorable thing in your four years of medical school?” She thought about it for a moment and replied: “It was my anatomy class.” She continued to explain: “When you dissect a human body and see all the organs laid out in front of you, you are greatly impressed by God’s wonderful design! Seeing the complex organs intricately connected to perform specific functions was amazing. Think about it, all of that comes about shortly after the union between a sperm and an egg. It was simply miraculous. I was totally amazed by the perfection and completeness of it all. What I learned in the class strengthened my faith.” Another thing that had impressed her was seeing the unbelievable structure of a human eye. No doubt she wanted to fulfill her childhood dream by becoming an ophthalmologist, but the fact that she didn’t have to deal with large quantity of blood loss during an eye surgery also played a role in her specialist decision.

Four years of demanding medical school came to an end and I went to my daughter’s graduation which was held in Carnegie Hall. An acapella voice band performed during the ceremony and she was one of the singers.  When she returned home, she held a small piano recital for our church friends in order to show her appreciation for their prayers, support, and encouragement during the four years of medical school. (Her piano teacher for 7 years, Mr. Bernardo Segall, was an accomplished musician with excellent credentials. He taught at USC and was a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. He was a 4^th generation legacy pupil of the famed composer Franz Liszt.) Speaking in fluent Taiwanese, she shared with the audience about the abundance of God’s grace during her four years of medical school. She was grateful for the chance to study human anatomy and dissection and how the students learned to express gratitude to the people who donated their bodies for the class through a family service. She spoke briefly on her bout with pneumonia, which was so severe that it left her scarcely able to breathe for days, and there were moments when she feared she would not survive. Her roommates took turns caring for her. I had offered to go and take care of her but she refused at the time. She did not ask for me during this ordeal because she did not want to be a burden. Much later, when I found out how dire her situation had been, my heart really ached, and I felt remorseful for not being there for her.

The audience fell into an uneasy silence upon hearing this, so her brother said,” Had I known about the fun you could have in medical school, like singing acapella or having the leisure time to play the piano, I would have done it myself.” A laughter broke out in the room after hearing his remarks. But I know better. My son is not the type of person who could deal with cadavers with faded colors, that weren’t breathing, and were laden with formaldehyde odors. My son is deeply compassionate; he really loves his sister. I recalled an incident that took place when he was 4 or 5. One time I was scolding my daughter for one reason or another. Just as I was about to do my 1,2,3 count, he ran to me with his arms outstretched in a protective posture, defending his sister. With tears in his eyes, he yelled:” Mom! Stop scolding her! Stop…” I was startled by his action at first, but then I was moved because I realized that he would be there to protect his sister if something were to happen to me.

There was a 1 year internship requirement after completing medical school. She had a two-week break before the internship program began. She decided to visit her grandma in Taiwan instead of taking a vacation trip. She said:” I would like to visit Grandma. We can always take a vacation trip some other time.” Grandma was ecstatic during the two weeks she stayed with her in Taiwan. San Jose was the location for her first year of internship and she needed a car for her daily commute. Although she had gotten her driver’s license at 16, she had not been driving up to that point. She used a small gift from her parents, got a loan, and purchased her first car. She drove off to San Jose. I couldn’t accompany her for the trip despite being uneasy about the idea of her long trip. All I could do was place her safety in God’s hands. When she finished her first year of internship, she invited me to visit her. She picked me up at the airport and we drove around a bit the next day. We stopped by a church, visited some friends, and ended the day by dropping me off at the airport. I was much more at ease with her driving ability after that visit.

I learned about an incident that took place during her training. She tended to down-play problems, so I found out about it after the fact. Near the beginning of her inpatient rotation, there was a day when she was responsible for 10 extremely sick patients. Exhausted and overwhelmed, she broke down and began to cry uncontrollably. The supervising doctor asked her to go home and start again the next day. She was able to recover and rise to meet the challenges of the demanding program after that. It was the only time she cried due to being overwhelmed. The rest of her residency took place again at New York Medical College. Not only was she able to drive to work without any problems, she also learned to parallel park, a skill that I was not able to master.

A life with dreams is a wonderful thing, especially when they come true and many of her dreams came true. She purchased her first home despite being laden with a sizable student loan and an even bigger home loan. She did this so her mom would be spared of the trouble of moving. She opened her own office, fulfilling her dream of treating patients with eye illnesses. She took her mom to Tahiti, fulfilling her mom’s dream of seeing Tahitian natives who were in Gauguin’s paintings. Her biggest dream came true when God sent an angel to be her husband. She also dreamed of being a mother.  She fulfilled that dream by giving birth to two children of her own. The two little boys gave me the immense joy of being a grandmother.  Recently at the dinner table, she declared enthusiastically,” We finally paid off my student loans!” It had been 18 years in the making, which had started since her graduation from medical school. The little girl who always said her favorite things were “sleeping” and “being pretty” grew up to be a strong woman and a dependable mom. She has been a participant in medical outreach ministries in Taiwanese-American and other communities. She does this out of her faith and the desire to serve those who need but can’t afford eye care. It’s amazing how many memories a drumstick can stir up. I hear “sun rise, sun set…” the words sung by the man in the movie “Fiddler on the Roof.” Ah! Mother and daughter, mother and daughter, if only my mother were here. I think she would be as grateful as I was with her own memories and all the laments that came with them.

 

源自 李淑櫻

Posted on 11/16/2018