This Rugged Road of Life

Agnes Wu

I believe every person goes through difficulties throughout the course of their lives. How to muster one’s strength, wisdom and courage needed to get through these bottlenecks, and how to use them as an opportunity for self-growth, well, that is our topic for today. I am very happy the conference has given me this opportunity to share a few stories of empowerment from my life.

The first story happened when I was in sixth grade of primary school; at the time I was but a twelve-year-old little girl. I was born in Sendai, Japan, and after World War II returned to Taiwan with my parents. At first, my father worked at a hospital in Hsinchu. But my story occurred in the highly remote township of Baoshan, about 50 miles out from Hsinchu. At the time, the three villages closest to Baoshan all had no doctors. Villagers who got sick had little avenue for help. Well, the three township heads jointly sent an invitation to my father to set up a clinic in Baoshan, and my father agreed at once. Baoshan was a simple and traditional village surrounded in gorgeous scenery, seemingly cut off from the rest of the world. The kids all walked to school barefoot – it was a 45 minute journey, or one and a half hours there and back. For a nine-year old kid, this was quite an undertaking, and when I got home, I still had to light the oil lamp to do homework. We lived there for three and a half years.

When I was twelve, in the second semester of sixth grade, a hospital in Taipei offered to hire my father. For the sake of his children’s educational opportunities, my father decided to move the family to the North. At the time of the move, my older brother and sister were already attending junior high school in Hsinchu, and my younger brother and sister were in second and fourth grade of primary school; none of them were influenced much by the move. But I was to graduate from primary school in just three months, and was about to face the first standardized entrance examination of my life. Here was a country girl who had never seen the world and had walked to school barefoot every day, who suddenly found herself in a large and unfamiliar primary school in Taipei, feeling out of place at every step.

I remember my classmates often made fun of me, calling me a country bumkin. There were seven classes of sixth graders in all, split up by academic ability. Though I had always been top of the class in Baoshan, the school principle thought you couldn’t compare countryside schools to Taipei, and stuck me into the second-to-last class. At that moment I resolved myself, not only to ignore the ridicule of my classmates, but also to put my utmost into schoolwork these last three months. After two monthly quizzes and one final exam, my grades shot up, and at the end of June just before graduation, I was finally placed in the first class. At my graduation ceremony I actually received the Principle’s Award.

It was time for junior high school entrance exams. Of the near two hundred girls in our school, only five were accepted into Taipei First Girls High School – I was one of them. Because of this, the principle even personally congratulated me and thank me for bringing honor to the school. This little story boosted my confidence. As long as you persevere and stay strong, I found, there is nothing that can’t be overcome.

Thirty years later, in my early forties, my husband suddenly got a terminal illness with no warning whatsoever. Two years later, he passed away. I was deeply tormented. I felt helpless, and my mental state was poor. On top of that my kids were still small and crying out to be fed. In the early days I sighed over the cruelness of my fate, and washed my face with tears all day long. After a few helpless and painful weeks, I saw a magazine article titled, “Mind, Body, Spirit – If you strongly set your mind to it, then your mind will drive your body to do anything that you want to accomplish and you will have a good spirit.”I reflected on this meaning, and after going through a period of struggle I gradually came to my senses realized that self-lamenting was no way to go about one’s days; I resolved in my heart that I would give my utmost to stand tall, walk on and overcome this difficulty. So I found support for the children, worked two jobs, and set aside half an hour each day for exercise and training my body. This part was vital – exercise combined with mediation go a long way in composing the mind. It was a tough ten, twenty years. Before my eyes, the children grew up and started their own lives. As I was just about to enjoy my retirement, God sent me an even larger blow. To this day I still cannot completely accept it.

Four and a half years ago, while still young and vigorous, my youngest son suddenly got cancer. Nine months later, he passed away. Thirty years ago, I gave birth to him after nine months of pregnancy, and now he has left me after nine months of serious illness. This tragic reality broke my heart, and filled me with so much grief that I did not want to be alive. It was more difficult to cope with this blow than any other. I know a lot of people have lost their parents, spouse, or sibling. I have experienced this as well, but in expectation of days to come, all we can do is hope time will gradually heal our wounds. The feeling of losing a child, though, is different, a feeling difficult to imagine for those who have not experienced it. Because our children come from us – they are our own flesh and blood – it takes so much more perseverance to overcome this loss.

All the precious pearls and diamond jewelry that I used to wear I have bundled up and put away. No matter the occasion, the only piece of jewelry I wear now is a simple necklace commemorating my dear son. I am trying to turn my longing for my son into a force for life; for my son, I must walk the stretch of road I have not yet completed. Of all the crags in my rugged life, this pain is the most difficult to face. My dear son has been gone for three and a half years, but I still cannot completely accept this tragedy. I am still working hard to calm my heart and accept this God-given test.